it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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