It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It's never too late to be topless.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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