you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
