The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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