I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
