nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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