i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
