My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
