I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We need to get me chipped asap
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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