dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
