I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He better not be in your backpack
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
