She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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