You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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