I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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