i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
