I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
