alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
