I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
