i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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