Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
