My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
