just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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