He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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