I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
