true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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