plz talk dirty to me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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