I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
