Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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