he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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