I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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