Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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