By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
