dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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