I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
