Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
