If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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