I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
