the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
