Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
