she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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