somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
