my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
