apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
