I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
