just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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