in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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