i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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