i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
