Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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