There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Two words: nipple clamps
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