I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
