just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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