I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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