this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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