he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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