Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
