we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
